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God decided to take the devil to court and settle
their differences once and for all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and
said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
You Know it's Going to be a Bad Day When...
from The JENNIFER REALM
You know it's going to be a bad day when...
How Life Really
your twin sister forgets your birthday.
you wake up face down on the pavement.
you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
you call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.
you see a "60 Minutes news team" waiting in your outer office.
your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
your doctor tells you, "Well, I have bad news and good news..."
the woman you've been seeing on the side begins to look like your wife.
your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business.
you want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party, and there aren't
you turn on the TV news and they're displaying emergency routes out of your
you wake up to discover that your water bed broke and then you realize that
you don't have a water bed.
your horn goes off accidently and remains stuck as you follow a group of
Hell's Angels on the freeway.
you open the paper and find your picture under a caption that reads: "WANTED:
DEAD OR ALIVE!"
your ex-lover calls and tells you he has 6 days to live, and that you'd better
get the Test
from The JENNIFER REALM
Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If
they're okay, you're it.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Always remember to pillage before you burn.
If you are given on open-book exam, you will forget your book. Corollary:
If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates
how difficult it was.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning
Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average
man can see better than he can think.
Paranoids are people too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize,
but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid, too.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy
to be on your way.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left
them to where you can't find them.
Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be
evenly distributed. Supplement: A .44 Magnum beats 4 aces.
The Seven Habits---The Real Seven Habits---Of Effective Employees
Laugh 9 to 5 site
1.Play in the company golf tournament. (Can't be any more frustrating than
2.Acknowledge top management humor. (Don't count on over exposure to
3.Resist the opportunity to be on self managed teams. (The company will still
evaluate you on your individual performance.)
4.If there is conflict in your organization be the first to assess blame.
(There is no reason for quality inspectors, auditors, and engineers having
all the fun.)
5.Do not pad expense vouchers to try to cover the expenses of staff people
who ordered exotic wines and insisted that the expenses be shared. (But then
don't feel guilty about all the office pens you have at home.)
6.Acknowledge that money isn't as important a motivator as recognition. (However,
you might suggest that a bonus would be a nice recognition possibility.)
7.Read the last book on management before your managers attend the corresponding
workshop. (That way you will know how to act when they return from training.)
WHY DO YOU WORK?
Laugh 9 to 5 site
To keep Nordstroms in business
To have a place to leave at noon
To have access to work related (wink wink) news groups on the internet
To enjoy the chocolate in the office candy dish
To learn somewhat useful software.
To learn updates of somewhat useful software.
To take out aggression on elevator buttons.
To be ready for the year 2000.
To be ready for the big crash.
So I can transfer to the east coast.
So I can peddle (Tupperware and girl scout cookies)
To avoid kids' soccer
To reduce the country's deficit.
To have a place to complain about with my significant other.
To have a place to complain about my significant other.
A young woman with a happy, cheerful voice was working
in her husband's trucking line office. She answered a phone call from a
trucker asking for directions to the terminal. After a short conversation, he
said he could hardly wait to meet her. "I just know you are small, blond
with blue eyes," he said. "No," young woman replied, "I'm
tall, brunette and have brown eyes." "Close enough!" said the
How do you know when a woman is about to say something
smart? - She starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
services since 1998