Business, Computer and Misc. Humor


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Q: Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
A: Because It Scares The Dog.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

More Jokes -  Bad Day - How Life is..

WORLDS SHORtEST FAIRY TALE...
 
Once upon  a time a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?".. The girl said, "NO". And the guy lived happily ever after.. and road motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted ...
 
THE END.....
IDIOT SIGHTING #1:

We had to have the garage door repaired.  The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.  I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.  He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower."  I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.  He said, "NO, it's not… Four is larger than two..."

We haven't used Sears repair since.


IDIOT=2 0SIGHTING#2:

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.  Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.  She said, "You gave me too much money."  I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back."  She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.  I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but we cannot do that kind of thing."  The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change…

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.


IDIOT SIGHTING #3:

I live in a semi rural area..  We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!   I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."

From Kingman, KS .

IDIOT SIGHTING #4:

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.  She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'  He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.


From Kansas City

IDIOT SIGHTING #5:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"  To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"  He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

Happened in Birmingham, Ala..


IDIOT SIGHTING #6:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.   I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine.  She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.  I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.  Appalled, she r esponded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"

She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS

IDIOT SIGHTING #7:

We were having a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker, as she was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.'  Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun.  We should do this more often."  Not another word was spoken.  We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.  This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING #8:


I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.  A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office, no less.

IDIOT SIGHTING #8:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we we re told the keys had been locked in it.  We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door.  As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!"  His reply, "I know. I already got that side.  

This was at the Toyota dealership in Canton, MS


IDIOT SIGHTING #9:


When I left Hawaii and was transferred to Florida , I still had the Hawaiian plates on my car, as my car was shipped from Hawaii .  I was parking somewhere (I can't remember) and a guy asked me "Wow, you drove from Hawaii to here?"  I looked at him and quickly said "Yep. I took the Hawaii/San Francisco Bridge". He nodded his head and said "Cool!"


STAY ALERT!
 
They walk among us... and they VOTE and they REPRODUCE...........


** A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer seeking defense. He didn’t want to go to jail. But his lawyer told him, "Don’t worry. You’ll never have to go to jail with all that money.” And the lawyer was right. When the man was sent to prison, he didn’t have a dime.
 **


NASA has just completed work on a new rocket, nicknamed "Civil Servant." It won't work and they can't fire it.

 


Changing lawyers is like moving from one deck chair to another on the Titanic!!

When asked, "What is a contingent fee?" a lawyer answered, "A contingent fee to a lawyer means, 
if I don't win your suit, I get nothing. If I do win it, you get nothing."


Golf My Way - NEW GOLF BOOK

Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt
Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Nike from the Rough, when you hit a Titleist from the tee.
Chapter 3 - How to Avoid the Water when You Lie 8 in a bunker.
Chapter 4 - How to Get More Distance off the Shank.
Chapter 5 - When to Give the Ranger the Finger.
Chapter 6 - Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings.
Chapter 7 - When to Implement Handicap Management.
Chapter 8 - Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 a.m.
Chapter 9 - How to Rationalize a 6 Hour Round.
Chapter 10- When Does a Divot become classified as Sod.
Chapter 11 - How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the water.
Chapter 12 - Why you’re Spouse Doesn't Care That You Birdied the 5th.
Chapter 13- Using Curse words creatively to Control Ball Flight.
Chapter 14-When to Let a Foursome Play through Your Twosome.
Chapter 15 - How to Relax When You Are Hitting five off the Tee.
Chapter 16 - When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent.
Chapter 17 - God and the Meaning of the Birdie-to-Bogey Three Putt.
Chapter 18 - When to Re-grip Your Ball Retriever.
Chapter 19 -Throwing Your Clubs: An Effective stress-Reduction on Technique.
Chapter 20 - Can You Purchase a Better Golf Game?
Chapter 21 - Why Male Golfers Will Pay $5.00 a Beer from the Cart Girl and Give her a $3 Tip, but will balk at $4.50 at the 19th Hole and stiff the Bartender


16 Ways to Recognize a Company Car and Why You should consider Buying a Used One!
(if you drive a company car, tell me the following ain't true!)

1.  They travel faster in all gears, especially reverse.
2.  They accelerate at a phenomenal rate.
3.  They enjoy a much shorter braking distance.
4.  They can take bumps at twice the speed on private cars.
5.  Oil, battery, tire pressures and fluid levels do not need to
    be checked nearly so often.
6.  They have a much tighter turning radius.
7.  The floor is shaped like an ashtray.
8.  They only burn the cheapest gas available.
9.  They do not have to be garaged at night.
10. They can be driven up to 100 miles with the oil warning
    light on.
11. They need cleaning less often, especially inside.
12. The suspension and trunk floor are reinforced to allow
    concrete slabs and other heavy building materials to be carried.
13. They are adapted to allow reverse to be engaged while the
    car is still in forward motion.
14. The tire side walls are designed for bumping into and over
    curbs.  
15. Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by
    the adjustment of the radio volume control.
16. No security is need. They may be left anywhere, unlocked,
    with the keys in the ignition.
 

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HR Manager to job candidate "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions."


"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.   
"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment,"
replied the witness


 

The Postal Services created a stamp with a picture of President Obama. 
The stamp was not sticking to envelopes.


This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.


After a month of testing and $1.73 million in 
congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented 
the following findings:

  • The stamp is in perfect order.. 
  • There is nothing wrong with the adhesive. 
  • People were spitting on the Wrong side.

 

 
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth was a Government Worker. To show off, the Engineer called to his dog, "T-square, do your stuff!". T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff!". Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff!". Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured ex actly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good. The three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?". The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff!". Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation and went home on sick leave.

 


There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong. The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere. Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, 'Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work !?'

 


Job Interview Quotations
A side note - the humorous thing is that people have read the following and couldn't understand these weren't anything but normal responses or statements.

Actual Job Interviewee Statements or Actions

Candidate fell and broke arm during interview.

A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.

Candidate explained that her long-term goals was to replace the interviewer.

Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.

Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewers office.

Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.

Balding Candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a headpiece.

Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.

Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.

The employers were also asked to list the "most unusual" questions that have been asked by job candidates.

Candidate brought large dog to interview.

Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.

Candidate dozed off during interview.

"What is it that you people do at this company?"

"What is the company motto?"

"Why aren't you in a more interesting business?"

"What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?"

"Why do you want references?"

"Do I have to dress for the next interview?"

"I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?"

"Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?"

"Will the company pay to relocate my horse?"

"Does your health insurance cover pets?"

"Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?"

"Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?"

"Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?"

"Why am I here?"

Additional Statements made during the interview process

I never lie!

At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking.

I feel uneasy indoors.

Sometimes I feel like smashing things.

Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars.

I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington.

I get excited very easily.

Once a week, I usually feel hot all over.

I am fascinated by fire.

I like tall women.

Whenever a man is with a woman he is usually thinking about sex.

People are always watching me.

If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back.

Almost everyone is guilty of bad sexual conduct.

I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker.

I never get hungry.

I know who is responsible for most of my troubles

I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me.

My legs are really hairy.

I think I'm going to throw-up.

Thanks to the Loonie Bin of Jokes Site

 >


Here's one interpretation of this secret labor code that appears in classified ads, cover letters, and resumes: called "Employer Talk" and you know it's true.

COMPETITIVE SALARY:  We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors. 

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:  Some time each night and some time each weekend 

SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:  We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check. 

SELF-MOTIVATED:  Management won't answer questions 

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:  We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings. 

COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:  We have a lot of turnover. 

SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:  If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it.. 

DUTIES WILL VARY:  Anyone in the office can boss you around. 

CAREER-MINDED:  We expect that you will want to flip hamburgers until you are 70. 

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:  You'll need it to replace three people who just left. 

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:  You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos. 

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:  Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want you to do. 

ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:  You whine, you're fired. 

FLEXIBLE HOURS:  Work 55 hours; get paid for 37.5. 


Teacher: Milton, how can you prove the earth is round?
Milton: I can't. Besides, I never said it was.



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